If this was a chapter in a novel, would you buy it and read it?

What a day! One minute we were in each other’s arms, the next I was saying goodbye and driving off in tears.  Was it a goodbye? I don’t know, but I hope to G-d it wasn’t.

As I drove through the heavy rain, in traffic, surrounded by cars, and my face wetter than the windscreen, I reflected on just how much you have brought to my life in the blink of an eye. You appeared from nowhere, a blast from the past, a reconnection for professional purposes only.  Instead, you touched my soul in a special way. I wasn’t expecting that.  G-d knows I needed it and now it’s gone.  As quickly as it appeared, it has vanished.  No notice, no warning . . . gone!!  And the ache! Oh how it aches!

My heart bleeds now from the thought that I may never see your handsome smiling face again, may not touch your soft hands and may no longer be able to look into your deep green eyes.  Why?  Where are you going?  What’s the rush?

What has happened? How did you manage to get under my skin and turn my world upside down in such an unintentional way? You made me feel alive on all levels.  I was alive.  Sick from altitude sickness I was cruising so high and fast.

You lit a fire deep within.  Was it there in the past?  It has been so long I can barely recollect the last time I felt it.  I vaguely remember its warmth.  Yes, I recall how good it felt and I was just re-acquainting myself with that warmth.   It drove me out from where I was hiding.  The flame was enticing.  I was a moth to a naked flame. I couldn’t resist.  My defences were down and with a brave but willing face I embraced its warmth.  It wasn’t wrong.  But when it feels so good, when you melt in the wake of its flicker, you cannot resist the temptation it brings or the ecstasy it produces.

What seemed like a lifetime, ended with a zap.  And now… now I am speechless, dumbfounded and shocked with what I now see.  A dark space where the flame once danced.  A space that is now cold and bleak.  And I am alone, desperate and grief stricken.  No one gets this far.  No one reaches my person to such depths.  I have never let anyone get this far.  I have never allowed myself get this far. I’m an emotional wreck and I’m not sure how to even begin to deal with how I feel right now, considering my past.  I have been brave.  I have fought.  I have suffered.  I have been left beaten and wounded and I have overcome the turmoil of my past.  But now this seems different.  How can I endure this torment and why me?  I have been through enough! “Enough!” I cry.  There is no response, albeit a scary echo that confirms the confines of my cold prison.  I am lost!

You are an amazing human being, one of a kind, one with a purpose.  You surpass me with energy and drive.  You inspire all those around you to greatness.  You have changed my core in only 2 months’ and have taught me a number of important lessons, which I will carry with me regardless of whether there will be an ‘us’ in the future.  I search for “us”.   I yearn for “us” and the hurt only rips deeper to my core!   The ache!

I am feeling nauseated and sick. My knees hurt and feel cold as I’m leaning forward on the floor of my bathroom, with my face looking like its endured ten rounds with a street fighter. Damn, he packs a punch!  You pack a punch. Damn you!

I’m trembling at the thought of having lost you forever.  I want to see you now! I want to kiss you and to stroke your face. I want to bury my face in your shoulder and be hugged by you.  I did not realise up until today how much you actually mean to me.  What is this feeling of ill from within? My insides churn at the thought of my sudden loss.  I am sick.

I need you to be able to breathe.  Breathe with me!  I can’t breathe!  This cannot be the end…

My thoughts are racing as I wretch again.  “Why are you shutting me out of your life? I am your rock, your backbone and your support.  I believe in you like I have never believed in anyone and this belief is not about to change.  So why? Just because you are scared of how you feel and where this is going? Yes, I come with baggage, but my baggage is just that – mine. I’m not sharing it.  I am simply offering to give you 200%, which believe me will make up for anything else.  I know you are trying to protect me from being hurt and I know you have no idea where you are at, what you want and where you are going. I get that as I have been there myself!  You need me and I need you.  Please let me be there.  I am not asking for anything in return, just to know that you need me and want me in your life on some level.  I can do and take care of everything else.   You have become my oxygen and right now you have cut my air supply.”

“What is that screaming?”  And then I realise…it is me!  Damn you!

Call me…maybe?  Remember this song? Please call me.  I promised not to contact you and I will keep my promise, unless you contact me first.  Hmm…I do not have any more in me to be sick again.

Oh no.  I forgot. How could I? I may not get a chance to speak to you again and tell you just how thankful I am that our paths have crossed.  If this is the last of our encounters, I would want you to know that I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you have done and for being in my life, even if for a brief moment.  I have learnt so much but I wanted to learn so much more.  I was just re-discovering my person and I was finding new things that made me tingle and you had no idea of your impact.  And now . . . with the flick of a switch it is gone!

I will never forget your description of me: “Funny, with a hint of complexity, together with a mixture and blend of good warmth, style and character to create the perfect dose of personality”. No one has got me the way you got me.  You understood exactly what I am about. You brought out the best in me, taught me how to smile and laugh again and to enjoy today without dwelling on yesterday or tomorrow.  You made me feel free for the first time.  I could tell you anything and not be ashamed or want to hold back the information.  You swept me off my feet with your wind of energy and showed me how to move forward.  “You had me at ‘hello’ and this goodbye sees me totally lost now.

I miss you Jake! Please call me again. I’m lying in pieces on the cold bathroom floor waiting… How I ache!

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About Jane Garber-Rosenzweig

I am a mother, a senior franchising and commercial lawyer, a writer and a social media enthusiast. I live a very busy lifestyle but believe that you need to take time to ‘stop and smell the roses’. I also believe in taking educated risks and celebrating all achievements in life, regardless of how big or small they are. I am a lateral thinker and an optimist. My goal in life is to ensure the saying “we make our own destiny” becomes a reality.
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